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Letter to Sun-Sentinel In William Russell's June 23 letter, he used clever sarcasm to speculate liberal reaction to the Japanese knife attack in which eight school children were killed. He imagined that we non-NRA types felt that Japanese officials were the actual guilty ones for failing to register the butcher knife used, as well as the murderer's grandmother for neglecting to lock the knife away in a secure cabinet. I wanna play too! I'm going to try to assume the conservative reaction. Here goes... I'll bet that the conservative plan would have involved immediately recruiting some local has-been actor, say, Pat Morita, to become spokesman of the newly founded NMA(National Machete Association). Founded on the philosophy of "Knives don't kill people, people kill people", the NMA would spend billions of Yen to inundate this once peaceful society with all manner of blades; because after all, 'when you take swords away from the citizens, only the criminals will be left with swords". Also, the ancient law allowed Samurai to wield swords, so why should this modern society be deprived of that right? Oh! And when lots and lots of people start getting killed and the mean age of culprit & victim starts to drop into the teens and lower, they can claim that the problem doesn't exist with the proliferation of easily-available weaponry, but rather that the existing laws need to be enforced! Also, they can create creepy militia-esque "camps" where ordinary, innocent children can be taken away from soccer practice and their Pokemon cards(do they have those there?) to take "blade-safety" courses to reduce the risk of accidental death from something they would have otherwise never been exposed to were it not for this curious & frankly-bizarre agenda. Then when the Japanese come to their senses and cry out that human compassion and common sense have been Constitutionally replaced with bloodshed and political-lobbying(like here), we can tell them to stick to their guns and teach them the mantra, “If you want my Ginsu, yer gonna have to pry it from my cold, dead fingers!”. - Simon Mirsky |